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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28006392">Burn</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pebbless2005/pseuds/Pebbless2005'>Pebbless2005</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek &amp; Paul/Levenson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Burns, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Emotional Manipulation, Fire, Gaslighting, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks, Recreational Drug Use, Suicide Threats, Verbal Abuse, Victim Blaming, so's the fire, the burns are a metaphor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:06:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,294</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28006392</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pebbless2005/pseuds/Pebbless2005</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Connor's a dying flame. </p><p>And Evan's willing to do anything for him, even if he gets burned.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan Hansen &amp; Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Burn</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Connor had problems. </p><p>Heavy drug use.</p><p>A family at home that he argued with <i>a bit<i> too much with. </i></i></p><p>
  <i>
    <i>An unhealthy mindset that refused to seek counselling or help.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>And Evan was stuck with the brunt of it. He was stuck with Connor, but he was okay with it. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Connor loved him after all, and Evan loved Connor back just as much. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Evan felt like he was putting in more than Connor. He’d send Connor daily wake up messages, and he’d greet Connor when Connor picked him up on the way to school, and he was always friendly and affectionate. Connor wasn’t as affectionate. Connor tended to ignore Evan, and snap at him a lot.<br/>
Connor had once taunted Evan for simply daring to ask for a hug on a bad day, after he’d broken down in the middle of an exam because of a panic attack. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>But maybe that was just Connor’s way of showing Evan that he loved him. Maybe Connor just didn’t know how to show affection nicely. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>So Evan had left it at that, and Evan had been happy to go on with his day, Connor by his side, and a heart full of happiness. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Things started declining though. Connor was more likely to lash out. Connor would blame Evan for his problems, and then come close to an overdose to cope, or threaten suicide, telling Evan that it was his fault that Connor wants to kill himself, and that Evan should just tell Connor that he hates him, and give Connor an excuse to finally off himself. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Evan would always insist that no, he loves Connor! And he’d try to reassure his boyfriend, and then they’d do something nice like watch a movie of Connor’s choosing, or laugh at some dumb internet video. They’d snuggle together, and in those times, Evan felt like maybe Connor was starting to put the effort in like Evan was, and maybe Connor would let Evan help him get better. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Connor would always decline though. He’d burn bright like a beacon, and would flicker out, leaving Evan to sit in the ashes, desperately trying to coax back that fire and pull together the burning embers for any warm they could give him, despite the burns that never went away. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Evan would beg for Connor to let him help, but Connor would refuse, and the cycle would repeat over and over, and every time, more and more burns would cross Evan’s skin. His hands grew numb to the fire, but he kept on trying, and trying, and the burns grew bigger and bigger, and before long, Jared was asking Evan why there was a bruise on his neck, and why it was hastily splotched at with concealer. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Evan had blabbered something about tripping and crashing into a tree, and despite not looking convinced, Jared let Evan get away with the lie. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Jared would never know about how Connor had hit him in the neck, and then said that he’d make himself overdose if Evan ever let anyone know about it. Jared would never know about the sleepless nights, where Evan stayed awake, wondering if he’d accidentally pushed Connor too far, and if he’d ever see Connor again. Jared would never know how Evan cried, lonelier than he’d ever been despite his closeness with Connor. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>---</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Evan had been reading when it happened. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He’d been at Connor’s house, like usual. The smell of weed hung in the air, and Evan frowned slightly, at something in his book. Connor spoke up though. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“What’s wrong?” Connor had snapped, and Evan had jumped with a squeak. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Nothing!”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Connor had rolled his eyes. “God, you’re so pathetic. I mean, <i>look<i> at you! You get scared when I so much as speak nowadays? What’s fucking wrong with you?” Connor stared at Evan, and Evan swallowed, his mouth and throat feeling dry. The burns from when he desperately tried to keep Connor’s fire alive had started burning, all over his skin, and Evan had to force himself not to flinch in spite of the burns and Connor’s words.</i></i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>“There’s, there’s nothing wrong with me, Connor.” Evan said, his voice trembling. He placed his book down beside him on the couch, and Connor scoffed, dropping the burning cigarette into the ash tray beside him. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>“You sure about that? Because it sure seems like there’s something wrong with you, freak. Who would ever love me, after all? Who would ever want to care about me, the fucking druggie who doesn’t give a shit about myself?” Connor taunted. “God, people like you, who pretend to like me only to turn around later, are why I want to kill myself so badly.” Connor sounded bitter as he spoke, a hateful tone easily detectable in his voice. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Evan wasn’t sure who that hate was directed at.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>“Connor, please…” Evan whispered, although Connor ignored him, leaning back in his chair. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>“Please don’t do this today.” Evan said, his words slightly choked up, and higher pitched. Connor scoffed. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>“What, talk about how I feel? I thought you wanted me to be open with you, Evan. Why’d that change suddenly?” When Evan gave no response, Connor continued. “Is it because you don’t really care? Is it because you want someone to listen to you, and feel sympathy for you, but you’re selfish and don’t want to do the same for me?” </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Evan let out a whimper, and Connor sighed. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>“Of course it is.” Connor snarled. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>“You’re sick, Evan.” </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Connor then stood up, and walked to the front door, turning his back on Evan. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>“Where are you going?” Evan asked, choking out his words, and Connor turned to face Evan, an angry look on his face. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>“To end it all, like you clearly want. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Then Connor left, and Evan cried. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>---</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>He couldn’t breathe. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Strained, Evan was wheezing. Why couldn’t he breathe? He was safe, wasn’t he? </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>But Connor wasn’t. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>It had been 2 days since Connor had up and left in the middle of an argument, and Evan was worried. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Really worried. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>He knew that Connor had always threatened to kill himself of Evan didn’t comply, and he thought that Connor wouldn’t carry through with it, but now, Evan wasn’t sure. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Which was why he was panicking. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>His breathing was fast, and his heart was pounding. He could feel it as he tried to steady his breathing, although the salty taste in his mouth from his tears, and his constant hiccupping wasn’t helping his issue of needing to calm his breathing. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>When had everything gotten so quiet, and so far away? </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Evan’s eyes were blurry with tears, and he choked on a sob, finally letting himself collapse on the floor. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Connor was dead. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>This was all Evan’s fault. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>---</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>A rough hand pulled at Evan’s shoulder, pulling him to his feet. The same hand roughly hit him on the back, and Evan coughed a couple of times, before wiping his mouth. He could taste coppor, and his hand was red when he looked at it, using a clean hand to wipe at his eyes to unblur them. </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>In front of him, still holding his shoulder, Evan almost collapsed in relief at the sight of Connor, who looked unimpressed and looked angry with Evan, still. He just starred as Connor babbled out about how worried he’d been, and how he’d missed Connor, and how he was sorry for almost pushing Connor to go <i>that<i> far. </i></i></i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>
          <i>
            <i>Connor finally let go of Evan’s shoulder, and he stumbled backwards, wincing as his back hit the wall. </i>
          </i>
        </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>
          <i>
            <i>“Have you learned your lesson?” Connor asked quietly, facing away from Evan, and he fell silent, letting out a hesitant, and choked out ‘yes’. </i>
          </i>
        </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>
          <i>
            <i>“Good.” </i>
          </i>
        </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>
          <i>
            <i>Then Connor left the house, and Evan couldn’t have been more relieved as the burns soothed.</i>
          </i>
        </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>OKAY so I was chatting to a mutual on Tumblr, and we were talkin about DEH and all the possibilities for possibly tocxic relationships in it (there are a lot of possibilities), and we came up with this idea :] </p><p> </p><p>Go check out my carrd !! it has my other socials linked at the bottom :]<br/>Carrd: pebbless2005.carrd.co</p></blockquote></div></div>
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